I have so many things to do, but got no motivation to work. I do try listening to my CDs and it does help but when everything becomes emotionally challenging, I think I need to step back a bit and just be... alone.

Today, my students make me be motivated to perform my best. Well I do know at some point I do fail but I love how considerate most of them are.

Today, I tried helping my niece. God knows I tried! Even if my parents would always ask why am I more patient with my students than my niece, I think my frustration towards my niece boils down to her parents. My friends, ever since she kept asking for help regarding her assignments, it take hours! Unlike with my students, it only take 30 mins to an hour. As much as I would like her to learn but gawd, whenever I help her, I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted because, really, she's not my responsibility... she's not my child. Even if my parents kept saying "she's your blood relative", with all the trauma I got from her crazy mom, and the mental breakdowns I got from my brother... NO!

This is just too much. Due to the dysfunctional family thing they got, the child has develop a psychosomatic illness in which if she gets mentally stressed, she would have seizures... as long as 5 hours!

It was amazing!

I joined an online Sakurai Sho party with some Arahians and it was a blast!

The event started at around 9PM but as per blog time they are still in the Zoom room.

At first everything was just chatty. They talked about some stuff and those who are close before I got in were all catching up with some stuff. When I came in, I was so nervous... and out of being nervous I talked (laughs). I kind of have that weird habit of being super chatty when nervous — and it happen quite often (laughs).

So when the event started, the new members who joined the Facebook platform introduced themselves. We told our own stories how we met Arashi and who we will be saving from a sinking ship.

Well, this blog knows how everything started, and how it kind of ended up too (laughs). As for the sinking ship part, I kind of chose not to save anyone because I love them all (laughs).

And then the events started. First was the reaction activity. The organizers prepared a template and the participants will have to supply a Sho-meme as their response to each corresponding category:

Back then, I was wondering why an online friend of mine suddenly went off the grid. I was really confused and would like to know why but now I am gradually going off the grid too (while partially updating myself with some fandom stuff), I realized how at peace I am now than before.

Though of course one of the reason might be I got too emotional with some recent updates from the fandom, and I realized that being too emotionally invested on something is not good too. 

Yeah I know and am aware how much Ryo has made me look at trivial things but, I also realized that in order to fully adapt the said mindset, I have to distance myself to some things. I think distancing will help me see an even bigger picture of how things look like rather then zooming in on every detail — may it be my personal, career, and fandom undertaking — making me anxious towards a 'ghost' (worries) I made myself.

I realized that I must look at fandom as a way to socialize and learn the value of human nature than invest on something so random than I know will fade as well. Hence, now I know the reason why my my LINE moot would often say that she tries to distance herself and set boundaries. Told you it'll take me this long to figure things out.

Could it be that my online moot went off because she wanted to zoom out and figure somethings maybe about the realities of life? It could be, right?

なんでやねん!?

I was too chill today maybe because the Note Tour DVD came, or maybe because I lost all my care with my current school.

But whatever the reason, I will always be thankful that I get to have a job that can support both my post grad and my fandom. Even if the school kept throwing over board word, fine I work on my own pace...

But one thing I feel very much assured was when mama said I can go full time with my post-graduate studies. Again the irony of me... my personal roller coaster ride with her.

The fun part was when she saw the additional load of work given to me, remember we are co-teachers, she reacted way before I did! HAHA! Maybe she realized how much am flooded with my post grad works during the holidays hence she reacted first HAHA!

I did assure her am okay, I did told her the option of hiring a virtual assistant to help me with some works but when we found out the papers that needed to be checked were in hard print, that both we didn't expect hehe. Thus her reaction AHAH!

But yeah all I can say is that I am thankful... I still have a job...

A lot of people, even my online moots, have told me how I make my small simple problems complex and bigger.

Am not sure why but personally, I love planning out everything before I move. Not because I wanted everything to be precise but I also simulate the worst case scenarios, like at least I have a buffer time or something.

So the context of this post rant is, ever since the holiday days came I have planned everything. I decided to jolly myself with lots of school requirements and sulk my way to stress.

However being the runner, everything went ballistically out of control. Every morning everyone seem to make me do home stuff... well I get it... then in the evening I need to stay up until the wee hours...

A thing that I would like to remove as a habit was not sleeping in the afternoon but I get cranky when I don't (sigh... am an obasan)... but I think taking naps is my downtime... but I have to accept that idea that it became a routine after lunch...

And whenever I excuse myself to do my stuff, people be like "manage you time"... my tiny brain cells will always go amok and I can't keep my chill... like seriously? THEN DON'T MAKE ME RUN ERRANDS BECAUSE I HAVE PLANNED MY TIME!

Also, am not always high spirited... at times my body do not cooperate and it seems to shut itself down... a phenomena I do not understand and my family does not too... 

I do not want to think I have that kind of issue... but really it just shuts down... does not cooperate at all...

Today was a good day.

I kept listening to all my albums, and eventually switched to online streams, when I decided to give my mom's friend's advice to listen to an orientation about "how to go to Canada via students visa and begin your overseas dream."

Well, my mom's friend, whom we fondly call "tita" which means 'aunt' in Filipino (in general Filipinos do that even if you are not blood relatives), seem to be insistent that my skills and perspectives are of Canada material. While listening to all her advices and suggestions, I just kept saying "ohhh" and the occasional "ah that is true" so that I will not be rude to her. But in all honesty she did kind of made me interested. But then the "today" happened which made me realize "fudge me."

It began in Monday. Tita told me that she will be referring me to a Canada consultant so she asked for my phone number. Since I told my mom about it and she told me to include my brother, I gave my number and waited for a message. Lo and behold, the consultant did send a message stating he was told by Tita that I am interested, in which I said yes.

I think I posted this before, I always would seek answers why fans would buy an artist's work or merchandise, then after a few years or when they hit rock bottom, they would sell it.

I was like, if that is the case, then you don't need to buy it in the first place. I never really say my thoughts out loud but am just happy a moot will always listen to my insensitive, unreasonable rants.

However, my insensitive remarks and opinions towards such issue changed after purchasing my second pre-loved 6-nin NEWS albums (plus a freebie Shigeaki Kato from 4-nin NEWS!). 

As a brief backgrounder, my first pre-loved were Kanjani8 47 prefectural tour magazine with Eito ranger 2 movie pamphlet (and a King of Otoko album pamphlet as freebie). I see my first pre-loved purchase as impulse buying since that was the day (I made the purchase) Ryo announced he will be leaving both Kanjani8 and Johnny's Entertainment, and made Shigeaki Kato cry on national Nihon television.

I think I was too blinded with tears plus I have never tried buying any JE works from my favorite bands. for almost 14 years -starting Arashi up to Kanjani8 — I never had one of their works. Hence my ungratefulness is off the roof.

Ohhh amma segue for a while and am just amazed with Subaru's photo skills... dude so cool!

https://instagram.com/p/CWDQLpNBbvE